Why do we choose the wrong people?
“I married him because my mom wanted it. Only then I realized that we have nothing in common with him. Do you understand? Nothing at all. And I'm paying the price for my mistakes now, ”is a rough monologue of the one who made the mistake.
Why do many, by entering into marriage, choose the wrong?
We do not know / do not understand ourselves
Happiness is a very, very multifaceted concept. Therefore, in order to become happier with another person, you need to know what happiness is for us. Unfortunately, we do not know much about ourselves and, accordingly, we are looking for a partner with the most standard requirements (“I need a kind person”, “I need a person with a sense of humor”, “I need an attractive one”), and then we are surprised at the problems that have arisen.
“I was looking for a kind person, but it turned out that he never refuses anyone. Sometimes we sit with children hungry, and he's somewhere in the garage, friends repair cars for free. "
“I was looking for a witty guy, but it turned out that he was not able to do anything except to joke.Professionally does not grow, does not want to be a boss, everything is joking off. And I think a man should climb the career ladder. "
What to do?Do not catch at the first person who offered to meet / marry, but first scan yourself if you have not done so. Drive yourself in all spheres of life: what is acceptable, what is not, what you love and what you hate.
Humor. Do you like humor? If so, which one? Laughing only harmless jokes? Or take jokes with jokes? Job. What should it be for a man? With permanent or variable earnings? What salary level is acceptable for you? And for a partner? Do you need a partner to strive for improvement? Or so come down?
Thus, you need to scan your preferences in the areas of: friends, children (including punishing children), hobbies, family traditions, visiting relatives, conflicts and their resolution, bad habits (which are permissible for you, which are definitely not), etc. The better you spend detailing your preferences, the easier it will be for you to determine your requirements in choosing a partner.
We do not understand others
Some enter into marriage by not taking off their rose-colored glasses.For example, being in a state of strong love and / or drowning in expectations. And their expectations are usually not voiced: "Guess, they say, myself (a)." All this prevents us from adequately assessing a person.
What to do?Foreign psychologists who study this problem believe that before entering into marriage it is necessary to compile a detailed psychological portrait of the chosen one through testing, and by 2100 this will be considered the norm. But, as my experience shows, many people are wary of psychodiagnosis. And the young people with whom I communicated loved only intelligence tests plus some projective ones, and then only for interesting tasks. What kind of complete psychological portrait is there?
How to find a partner without a psychological diagnosis, so as not to be in a mess?
- To talk
In the first paragraph, I wrote that you must speak with yourself, learn about yourself as much as possible. Accordingly, according to the same plan it is necessary to find out everything about your chosen one. Ask about his childhood, relationships with his parents, about friends, bad habits, learn about the attitude towards children (he does not plan - if he plans, if so, how much), what were the penalties in the family, what children's punishments consider permissible, what he sees as his future wife, what are the requirements for her, and what - for himself as a husband.Clauses about the requirements for the wife and the husband, as well as household duties should be discussed before marriage, and especially carefully. Otherwise, there is a risk of suddenly finding yourself in the role of a housekeeper.
What else do you need to know? Attitude of a partner to power and humiliation, attitude to money, sport, religion. You should also find out what the partner means the concept of “loyalty” (specifically, with examples), which is a betrayal (again, with examples), find out his attitude to health issues, older people, etc.
If you just met, it is likely that your chosen one is still tiptoeing, trying to please. Do you want to know how your partner will treat you in the future? Observe his manner of communication with close relatives. If you appreciate a man, look at how he communicates with his mother, sister, aunt, grandmother. If he is rude to his sister, he is constantly angry with his mother, he says nasty things about his grandmother, it's time to think. More than likely, he will do the same with you, because a habit is an ineradicable affair.
Well, the behavior in the car, especially in a difficult traffic situation, will show you his behavior in stress: it is lost - it is not lost, if it is resourceful, it remains polite or it is bad language, etc.In general, you can watch a variety of situations. Do not be lazy and do not miss this opportunity.
We do not associate madness
Anton Motorin, a coach and consultant in the field of stress management, says: “We are all especially crazy. We are definitely neurotic, unbalanced and immature, but we don’t know the details, because no one ever inspired us to search for them. ” And, it turns out, the main task of our partner will be the acceptance of our internal "madmen". Someone is furious at the argument, someone is neurotic in the new environment, someone falls into a terrible panic because of aerophobia, someone with strong agitation empties the refrigerator, someone does not tolerate even the slightest hunger and at this moment is angry.
What to do?It is useful to ask each other a question: “And what is your madness?” Or “In what situations do you behave extremely unusual?” And then look, can you calmly or at least adequately accept the “madness” of the other.
We do not know how to be happy
They say for happiness you need quite a bit. If in the morning you had something to eat, if you have a roof over your head, if you are healthy, you are happy.But we are not used to being happy “just like that,” and therefore we are looking for happiness somewhere on the side. As a result, we find someone who complicates our path to happiness.
Why? But again, everything comes from childhood. A schoolboy fell in love with his contemporaries, “flew on the wings,” wrote poetry, began to study better, and she kissed another once. And as a result, the boy has a setup: “There is no love without pain.” Therefore, when searching for a new love, he will already choose a rebel or a provocateur of conflicts. And he will refuse morally healthy candidates, because they seem to him boring, too sensible, or too balanced.
It is because of the model of “healthy relations” that was incorrectly formed in childhood / youth, that we sometimes miss decent people. Although one of us had no injuries?
What to do?Find happiness in the details and fight with injuries. And if not by psychotherapy, then at least by their self-awareness and reprogramming.
"Reluctance to be alone"
One of my friends for quite a long time found herself only psychologically unfavorable partners, with whom she, accordingly, had no luck. One did not work, the other suffered from bad habits, and the third turned out to be an abuser. To my question, “Why do you find such people?” She replied: “The reluctance to be alone.”
On the one hand, we all understand that it is impossible to rush into choosing a life partner. And on the other - the society still dictates to us that "loneliness is bad". Some refuse to invite singles to family events, others are embarrassed to come "alone" to a movie or a nightclub, while others have a high need to be needed, so they are looking for a stranger, sometimes an unworthy person of the opposite sex.
What to do? Of course, it is impossible without communications, but we are still social creatures. But after all, your communication can be realized in other areas - in work, social life, holidays, hobbies, travel. It's better than getting involved in a destructive relationship with a person you practically do not know.
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