What if the mother-in-law poisons life? We ask psychologists
It is important to note that from the moment of majority of a person and the more so of marriage, the priority for him should become relations with his wife or spouse. Both create a new family, they will have their own orders, their own rules, new status, roles, functions. During their life together, these new roles and functions are consolidated, realized, and become part of the lifestyle of each spouse. In psychology, such a family is called nuclear. The goals, objectives and functioning of this new nuclear family will differ from those in the so-called extended family, which includes parents and other close relatives.
What happens in a situation like yours?At first, in one house there can not be two masters or two landladies, but in the family where the young wife comes, there is already a landlady. All these household trifles, other people's habits are able to annoy a person,who had his completely clear and familiar routine, things lay in a convenient way for him, everything happened the way it had been going on for decades. A woman, coming to her husband's family, may be in a completely unfamiliar environment, both cultural and value, at the level of world perception and world outlook.Secondly, hence the non-recognition of the new functional role of his son as husband, master. He, being under the emotional influence of the mother, accepts her playing conditions. That is, having the status of the husband of his wife, he is still almost completely under the influence of the psychological and functional role of the son. Moreover, the primary responsibility for protecting the boundaries of a young family should be precisely on the husband, it is his function and task. But, as we have already noted above, if he actually remains only a son, then one cannot expect the protection of his wife and children from him.
Obviously, if the son remains a son, then his mother, being in the customary structural role of the mother, affirms in her, extending the maternal and master functions not only to her son, but also to his wife and child. She simply does not perceive her authority as wife and mother due to the vague and defenseless boundaries of the young family.The sister-in-law may, quite expectedly, not share such an arrangement of affairs, resist, which certainly leads to a clash of interests, to conflict situations. To live in such a tense situation is very difficult for all participants. The husband does not cope with his tasks, tries to stay at home as little as possible, so as not to be all the time between the hammer and the anvil. The wife desperately resists the imposed psychological role of the daughter, and the mother-in-law wonders why the “children” cannot simply do as she correctly and wisely says. If a man does not take on the functional role of the owner, then it will take on someone else: either the wife, or, more likely, the mother.
What to do?At firstIt is important to understand and recognize that close relatives, parents are able to provide substantial support to a young family. Therefore, it is advisable to make an effort to preserve their family and build relationships with their parents according to the new state of affairs. Especially since the birth of a child is in itself a difficult time in the life of a young family. Sometimes only such external support from parents can help survive this time.Secondly, since the protection of the boundaries of the nuclear family, which includes only the husband, his wife and their children, is the duty of the husband, he must take a direct part in the establishment of relations between the wife and his mother.Thirdly, the establishment of these relations is possible only after the establishment of relations between the husband and wife. If a man hears his wife, tries to understand her feelings, if they discuss different options and look for a way out of the existing difficulties, then only you can sit at the negotiating table with your mother-in-law.FourthIt is necessary to understand for oneself that the life in the family of parents is the recognition of their dominant master roles. However, this does not mean that it is not possible to discuss all the main issues on which conflicts are taking place, to agree on a division of responsibility where necessary, or to divide responsibilities, or to pronounce what else can be experienced, can not.
After the spouses have discussed and agreed on all these issues, it is necessary to say everything, literally on the prepared points, reaching agreement on each.Of course, one should not expect instant results, such conversations will need to be patiently carried out from time to time, but their very fact will mean that serious personal work is taking place, that the man tries on the functional role of the owner and the defender of the family, and he can one beautiful moment in her and stay.
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